The Age of Consent is 14, Terry Gets Bit by a German Vampire, The Polish Conundrum

By David Urbanic
Writer, Looker, Listener

After a night of opening their hearts, minds, and about 10 liters of German blonde, Zelazowa made their way across the German countryside to their next show in Schweinfurt. Having spent the previous evening mulling over the state of the tour, and blowing of some necessary steam, the band was still feeling a little low as they once again splashed their way through the torrential downpours and murky days that had plagued them since Marseilles, France. This added to the overall feeling of gloom among the travelers especially in Germany where Zelazowa found themselves cursed by a demon ghost they ran over in the car on their way to Munich.

Driving through the dark, wet night, they were confronted by the mysterious apparition of a human in the middle of the road, waving, standing in the dual headlight beams of the Zelazowa van, and an oncoming truck. As the two automobiles passed the figure vaporized, revealing nothing having actually been standing in or on the side of the road. A cold chill passed through the car, and since that instance the band seemed to be cursed with rain. Not so much with rain, as they had been accustomed to it over the previous week or so, but rain that literally would start when any member of the group individually, or as a whole would step outside. The rain would then stop when the last member of the group would join the others indoors. This was the way of things for at least one full day and night. Luckily, prior to leaving the Munich area, Bryan Weber checked his e-mail and found a Certificate of Completion from his recent correspondence course through the Michael Schumacher School of Driving. As we rocketed through Germany on the Autobahn, at face distorting speeds, faster than a minivan should be physically capable of achieving, it seems that the elder Weber was able to escape the curse with sheer speed made capable by state of the art Peugeot engineering!

However, the ghouls did persist. As mentioned in early literary ramblings, stereotypes exist for a reason, and I had a funny feeling that there would be some memorable local encounters as we passed an enormous nuclear power plant on the way into town. Call it American ignorance, as I know many will, but let me cut through the baloney and just say that I have never seen a more discombobulated town of people in my entire life! The haircuts, the fashions, and the dental situation were truly remarkable. A beautiful little town, but filled with kids that were just a few beats off of the current fashion trends of western culture. Picture Paris if it were located in West Virginia. We sat in the van for an hour waiting to meet the other band for that night at the H&M store in the center of town. As we made these curious observations of the local culture, we also became mildly alarmed to realize we just drove onto the set of The Truman Show. The people in Schweinfurt seemed to be on a mechanized loop. Every five or ten minutes we would see the same cycle of people walk past our car, looking at us ever more curiously as their cycles repeated, probably because we were the only stationary people in the town. It was this series of observations that convinced us that we had just arrived in the subject of an unreleased Stephen King novel about East German zombie vampires, and when Terry ventured off by himself for a while we made sure that we checked the back of his neck for holes upon returning.

Soon, thankfully, we met up with Sid from the band Kojak, with whom Zelazowa was sharing the stage that night. As the bands loaded into the venue we found out that Schweinfurt is actually a big US military town with a large base nearby. We were also warned that the women in the town were extremely horny, but to keep in mind that the age of consent is fourteen, and not to trust girls hitting on you before midnight because that was the curfew for individuals under the age of sixteen. Helpful advice, but bigger worries existed in the veritable powder-keg of drunk, horny soldiers in an Irish bar on a Friday night.

The evening was a blast, and the wild success that Zelazowa needed after a rough week. Free drinks flowed for the band on behalf of the venue and Zelazowa was forced to start their set late because so many soldiers were buying a large amount of merchandise before the band even took the stage! Upon the commencement of the set the room was packed with people and all eyes were on Zelazowa for the duration of their performance. More free drinks flowed heavily afterwards and we met and made many new friends, including Andrea, the best American bar tender in Germany and her husband Steven! Kudos to Andrea for keeping us sloppy drunk all night and introducing us to the mysterious local favorite, an inky green shot called The Leprechaun. Needless to say, there was plenty of inky green vomit on the floor by the end of the night, but thankfully not courtesy of Zelazowa!

The following day brought wonder and bewilderment as we traveled ten hours from Schweinfurt to Skarzcysko, Poland. For the adventuresome sort, drive four hours at speeds upwards of 100 miles per hour on the Autobahn, then cross the border into Poland. A greater culture shock cannot be achieved. Basically, the highway ends upon crossing the border, and so does the concept of “lanes.” Poland has adopted the laissez faire concept of traffic patterns. When the large highway system ends at the border, it is replaced by a large three lane road. Generally, you drive on the right, and the oncoming traffic drives on the far left. The middle lane is the “anything goes lane.” Cars from either lane can utilize the middle lane at any time and are only required to move back to the far right lane in the event of imminent collision. Sometimes you can even fit two cars in the middle lane, driving next to each other or driving at one another with more traffic next to them in the “traditional lanes.”

First impressions of Poland, followed by second and third impressions having traveled through a tremendous portion of the country over the last two days, can be summed up in describing it as the “Wild West of Europe.” The country smells like it is on fire with smoldering bonfire pits dotting the countryside and thick musky smoke pouring out of most houses. Judging from the rustic nature of the buildings, roads, villages and even cities one might deduce that the folks in Poland simply burn a lot of firewood and as the country is not only far from the forefront of major western economies, but just coming into spring and still warming their homes with crackling fires. Wrong!

Our friend and host for the evening, Mariel, explained that in Poland there is a national law forbidding the cutting of any trees. This, as we were told, goes back to old pagan traditions of worshipping the trees, and admittedly, Poland is certainly covered with dense evergreen forests. The fires and the overwhelming Apocalypse Now styled smokiness of the landscape comes from this particular time of the year when folks do their spring cleaning and traditionally burn all of the dirt and detritus accumulated from the previous year. This is a tradition that I personally would like to subscribe to, but in America you would be shunned, scorned, and fined for abusing the “carbon footprint.” To add, the restrictions on tree cutting, I can only assume, has led the country to being covered in the most unusual telephone poles I have ever seen. They are thin, square poles of reinforced concrete and are often coupled or tripled together to form odd A-frame structures. Other than large metal power line towers, this is the Polish Telephone Pole. To find a wooden pole supporting power lines is a very rare sight, indeed!

So, to recap. Highways are not very popular in Poland, and are replaced by a very lackadaisical system of driving restrictions, allowing one to basically drive as fast as they want, in whatever lane they want, and to pass anytime, anywhere. The Polish are so accustomed to this that if you start to pass someone on a road of any size, they just pull over and drive on the side to make it easier for you to avoid a head-on collision! Also, the national restriction on the cutting of trees makes for some very dense forests. With the combination of the very few major highways and the tree laws, you find yourself driving through some dense forests with rutted, muddy roads leading into dark groves of conifers. It is at this point you become accustomed to one of the most unique cultural phenomena that I have ever seen. Forest prostitutes.

Picture leggy, attractive women with bottle tans, dressed to the nines. High heels, skimpy, sleek mini skirts, expensive hair styles, and pricey clothes, if a bit outdated in the sense of current western fashion. The kind of woman you would see at a huge nightclub in a big city, or at the very least, the kind of hooker you would see at an expensive hotel bar, cruising the out-of-town businessmen drinking martinis alone. Except they are standing at the corner of a muddy cross road in a dense evergreen forest. This sounds like a joke, or a gross exaggeration, but it is rampant! We have seen dozens of these forest prostitutes in just two days of driving through Poland, and have even developed a sense of when we are entering a Blowjob Thicket and the ability to call them out before we have spotted our first harlot. The only explanation I have for this is the aforementioned combination of no highways, tree laws, and the close proximity of Mother Russia where we all know there is no mafia presence, and even if there were, the mafia would never deal in sex slavery.

The first ever Zelazowa performance in Poland was in the mid-sized town of Skarczysko. The town is easily one of the most unsettling places I have ever seen outside of genuine third world countries. Picture a scene from a movie where soldiers make their way carefully through a bombed out town. Empty, half destroyed buildings everywhere. Smashed out windows in almost every structure. Very little grass or foliage of any kind. Colorless except for large amounts of graffiti and concert posters, and an overwhelming feeling of desperate loneliness permeates the community. I felt very self conscious walking down the street with a video camera that was likely worth more than most of the buildings, and tried to keep my voice and American language as low and inaudible as possible as I only had to suspect that we might not be welcome as foreigners in a community like this. I could not have been more wrong.

As the sun fell in the sky, the streets lit up with people. Not that it became a bustling metropolis, but the town certainly became alive with friendly groups many types of people heading out to enjoy their Saturday night. Terry and Ian came across a very nice Chinese restaurant and a gorgeous little jazz club with some of the most beautiful, and friendly women we have encountered on the tour to date. If we had not seen the women standing their in their extremely hip and sexy clothes, or spoke to them, we never would have looked into the windows of these establishments on what otherwise seemed like a dangerous, empty street of closed shops and empty houses.

A similar sense of being “out of place” surrounded the venue, Klub Semafor. To see it from the outside, a broken down club in a row of dilapidated, empty warehouses with collapsed roofs. To walk inside, a very large, high tech, up-to-date multi-leveled rock club and a more than comforting atmosphere compared to most of the places a touring band encounters. As soon as the doors opened the club filled up with friendly, excited young people. Zelazowa put on a wild performance to a throng of kids moshing wildly and climbing the railing in front of the stage to get as close to the band as possible! Granted, they did this for all of the bands performing that night, but either way, a compelling testament to the appreciation for rock and roll music in Poland!

After the show, what we originally interpreted as a general hesitance for people to talk to out of place foreigners who could not speak the language vaporized like the German rain demon that tried in vain to curse our travels! Between leaving the stage after the performance, and leaving the venue at the end of the night, Zelazowa was rarely found with a moment alone. People bought as many t-shirts, CDs and DVDs from the band as they bought rounds of drinks for them, and asked for even more autographs than that! Bryan and Terry were especially bombarded with attention from adoring female fans, and we all found ourselves in long winded conversations with people that could not speak a word of English! The language barrier simply did not matter to them! They were glad to tell you what was on their mind and ask you questions even if our responses were hardly understood, if at all.

Altogether, the Polish people have been absolutely the most friendly and the best crowd we have seen on this tour! As our friend Mariel told us, after almost 300 solid years of oppressed rule before the fall of Communism, the Polish people relish in their freedom, do what they want that makes them happy, and generally enjoy life! Nostrovia to the Polish!

Speaking of Nostrovia, which is the Polish word for “cheers” (if I am spelling it right), the Polish love their liquor. Coming from Pennsylvania, it is unique to travel to other US states and find that liquor and beer is available at convenience stores and supermarkets. For a real treat, come to Poland! Every major gas station is equipped with a full liquor bar. Picture a large, up to date, clean and friendly gas station like Sheetz or Wawa, or a large BP with a fully functional bar inside. Of the few that do not have full bars, they are stocked better than most liquor stores and the selection of beers and liquors outnumbers the shelf space and selection of other “normal” beverages and snacks. This is to say nothing of the countless smaller fuel stations and snack shops on the side of every road. Good thing there are few restrictions on driving procedures since everyone looks like they are drunk at the wheel to begin with!

Currently Zelazowa is in Prague. Having only been here a few hours it is already the most stunningly beautiful city I have seen on the tour. Prague makes Paris look like a dogfight pit. People speak English everywhere, and the women here are absolutely beyond description! I have never seen more beautiful women in one place. Tonight the band plays the first of two shows on this tour at the incredibly cool Chateau Rouge, followed by an off day tomorrow that should yield some incredible photos and video! Keep posted for another update soon!

PS – Thanks for everyone who is reading and following along with us, and thanks for your patience. Poland is also in dire need of wireless Internet signals!